the vocabulary of vacancies

There’s an old adage in reference to the workplace that says ‘if you can’t give a raise, give a title’. This ploy is often used for members of staff who feel they deserve monetary reward for their hard work, but could be placated with a (sometimes meaningless) upgraded job title. There could be a new adage for the recent trend of making the title of menial/mundane jobs sound more exciting than they are. Maybe ‘if the job’s shit, verjazzle it’. Maybe not. Here’s a few I’ve noticed in the past few weeks.

Pizza Artist – Dominos Pizza
I’m not sure what extent of artistic vision employees can create on a pizza for a customer. Maybe they can roll out a circular expanse of dough and then ride round it on a bicycle like Jackson Pollock freely scattering pepperoni and purée in abstract expression of their inner turmoil. Or maybe cut the vegetables in slender oblongs and arrange them in geometrical tesselation like Mondrian. Probably they’ll just make pizzas based on Domino’s menus and set recipes.

Chilled Colleague – Asda
Do Asda want someone like the Fonz to work alongside their more uptight Richie Cunningham-type staff? Someone to wear a leather jacket and nudge the jukebox when the party starts to drag? I don’t think I’m cool enough to apply for this job.

Hygiene Technician – OCS
The accompanying job description sounded a lot like scrubbing floors.

Apple Genius – Apple Stores
I’ve never been in an Apple store but I’m guessing the staff there aren’t actually of genius level intellect. I was always under the impression Apple products were simple to use. If you need to employ a phalanx of genuises to explain the products maybe they need a re-dedsign to something more user-friendly that any old punter, like you or me, can figure out. Also there is only one personage that comes to mind when discussing genius and apples. Someone who stood on the shoulders of giants. That person is Granny Smith (she perched on altitudinous fellows to reach the apples)

Chief Visionary Officer – Obsidian
This guy sounds important. Try to ingratiate yourself with him. Laugh at his jokes. Frustrate his competitors. Frown at his enemies. Maybe pat his dog.

Biz Dev Guru – Sandbox
Are you an Indus grand master of abbreviation? Apply here.

Nandoca – Nando’s
Work your way to a black belt in chicken preparation under the tutelage of the Nandojo’s peri peri sensei.

Assistant to the Regional Manager – Wernham Hogg
Sounds a lot like Assistant Regional Manager, hence Gareth Keenan’s delusional view of his own importance in The Office.


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